I have come to the conclusion that I need to go camping.

I hate camping but I have a theory that if you drink enough, all of the negative aspects of the camping itself will be numbed.

I just need to get it out of my system I think.

I am answering your questions

I receive a lot of emails from people who have various questions to ask me.

The emails have been piling up and I finally decided to work my way through a few of them.

Here are your answers.

Your album The Fame came out last year, but, inarguably, 2009 has been the year of Gaga.

How are you feeling about that?

-What on earth are you on about?!

I am sorry, I don't understand the question.

If you were a Star Trek character, which one would you be?

-Don't insult me.

Do you speak Norwegian?

-I can speak as if I had a coaster shoved down my throat, yes.

What was it like to live in Moscow?

-I have never even been there, but I did write a children's book in Swahili once.

If you were a salad, what dressing would you have?

-Personality

For how long have you had your cat?

-If you are referring to the rug I wipe my shoes on, I have had it for about 3 years.

It is no longer alive, may I add.

You often burp loudly, have you got a gastric problem?

- It is fashionable.

I will not discuss this further with you. You seem to be constipated in your brain.

I fear you may all gather in a massive troop and protest outside my house with pitchforks and torches if I mention Chakana again... I am thinking something similar to the storming of the Bastille (French revolution).

Therefore I have decided to resist the urge of indulging further in my current favourite word.

I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

Pool chilling can be rather exhausting, thus we have retired to the cooler temperatures of the indoors, of course accompanied by a glass of Chakana.

The creativity is flowing.

Chakana for now

you are all desperate to find out more about Chakana, I know.

So let us take a walk down Chakana memory lane.

Midsummers eve 2010, the night when we all collectively lost our virginity to Chakana.

Oh what a night!

Chakana had us dancing to Michael Jacksons "Bad", she had us swimming naked in the lake, she made us sing and drink and god knows what else she encouraged us to do.

I woke up on a concrete floor in a garage, so unbelievably sore.

A night in the true spirit of Chakana.

God I love that name.

As you may have noticed I can't help myself, I take every opportunity to spell that godforsakenly gorgeous combination of letters.

Try it.

Cha-kana.

MMMM.

Like it?

of course you do!

So alluringly sweet and hypnotic!

Chakana.

Like nectar for the ears.

oh dear, the guests have arrived.

I should probably snap out of this Chakana trance...

so long!

Everything feels so fair, innocent and summery, like something out of a Shakespeare play.

The sun is shining, the meat is marinated and the guests are on their way.

I feel like we need to shake things up a bit, I think we need more wine.

Have been pool chilling to the max but I need a break now so I swapped the nature for some indoor chilaxation and here I am, enjoying a glass of wine in my window.

Elin is coming tonight, and she is bringing Chakana.

Chilli is twangy and sexy

The smoky bbq sauce had a hot man on the label

Garlic is my favourite flavour in the world

Blueberries are amazing

Honey is versatile

Orange juice makes the best hang over remedy and thus it must be good for everything else too

So I figured, why not mix all of these naughty components together and let them marry each other and fully bloom in a raunchy bigamist marriage of flavours?

They are currently spending their wedding night on the island of a deer fillet in my fridge, and tonight they will celebrate their kooky marriage with a honeymoon trip to my bbq.

May they live happily ever after.

You may all kiss each other now.

Who the fuck is Chakana?!

There is a new wine in town.

It is called "Untouched by Chakana".

Not sure if it was the name, the design of the label or the fact that it comes in a 3 litre box... but I just HAD to have it.

It was damn tasty. I had the pleasure of intoxicating myself at the expense of Chakana all evening yesterday. For hours I danced around in a Chakana haze.

When I woke up this morning I realised that I had been fooled.

I had most definitely been touched by Chakana...

And believe me when I tell you; Chakana does not work in gentle ways.

In fact she has no manners, she is aggressive and ruthless, leaving her victims drained and with no hope for the future.

I now have the Chakana fever and as a result I don't have the strength to upload any photos from last night.

Thank you Chakana.

I love my dad.

But, sometimes living back home drives me insane.

There are so many odd and annoying things going on.

Like right now for instance, my beloved farmer father is filling a tank of some sort and apparently the main water pipe has to be switched off for this to happen. As a result there is no water in the house, something I realised after having hairwaxed both of my hands.

I was forced wash my hands in the fountain.

I don't see why this tankfilling action has to happen right now. Couldn't it perhaps take place in the middle of the night when no one uses the tap anyway?!!!

It is Thursday once again.

Not your usual Thursday though; it is the Thursday before the Friday that is the day we like to call MIDSUMMER!

Possibly the most important festive event in the Swedish calendar.

I know you expect me to write something detailed about the rituals which mainly evolve around a giant phallic monument decorated with flowers. However I will not enter that path, google it if you are desperate to gather info on Scandinavian paganism.

Now, where was I... Oh yes! Midsummer!

I am kidnapping Elin from her family and transporting us both + our reservoir of booze to a party in the woods. At least I think it will occur in the woods. I have to confess, I am not entirely sure, we are sort of crashing the party... sort of...

But frankly I doubt it's gonna be a problem, everyone will be too drunk to object against our presence and when we do our special party trick (double Chinese dragon face), they will thank the holy mother of Faz for our contribution to the party and all will be good in the rural hoods!

I would like to continue writing, I would LOVE to tell you all about what I did last night, why I had bacon slapped in my face and why I wasn't offended by the occurrence of this action.

Unfortunately my perspiration has a rather limiting effect on my brain and consequently I will have to end this post now and return to the pool.

so long!

I just had the most fulfilling conversation with Jean.

Unfortunately I cannot share the subject of our conversation with you since it is of highly inappropriate nature, and you would probably fall of your chairs if you knew...

Anyway, Jean laughed and peed her pants, I laughed but there was no pee.

not because it wasn't peeprovokingly funny, it was due to the fact that I am DEHYDRATED BECAUSE IT IS SO FRIGGING HOT!

I hate it when people moan about the heat.

They clearly haven't experienced the heat I AM EXPERIENCING NOW!

If only they knew how hot it is here!

Then they'd be quiet.

In fact they would probably be dead. Because its so hot. They wouldn't survive.

Moaners. It's sad really.

even my laptop is sweating.

that's how godforsakenly hawt it is.

Sweet mother of Faz. It is so unbelievably hot today.

even the pool holds 30 degrees!!!!!

What's the point?

Don't really want to be the moaning pale chick who sits in a pond of sweat and fans herself with the Argos catalogue. I would rather be the Mediterranean style woman who laughs 40 degrees in the face and goes for a run.

If I attempted to do the latter I would most likely decrease my existence here on earth.

Nah, I wouldn't sacrifice the pleasure of moaning for a run. I will just sit here and sweat in silence.

Besides, I don't think Mediterranean women are all that sporty anyway. They mainly walk around in old rags and make pasta while singing old folk hymns which sound funny because they have none or very few teeth left. Then they go for a siesta with a bottle of wine. And when they eventually wake up they beat their lazy husbands with a stick, shout passionately, jump in their little Fiat (or donkey carriage depending on the location) and go for a spin around town.

I bet you they sweat too.

yours truly, Sweaty Moany

@ Matilda

Matilda my dear old, demented friend from Aussie land.

Since our scheduled phone date seems to have slipped your scattered mind, I thought perhaps we could arrange a new one, to discuss the forthcoming festive activities.

Given the fact that my own , (at times) very unreliable brain has forgotten your phone number, I seek your attention this way...

Get in touch with your old friend in any way you prefer. My window is open for possible carrier pigeons.

much love,

J

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It was the night of the solar eclipse in reverse.

The longest day of the year.

Elin and I celebrated this with a bottle of wine on the pier.

We stayed out and talked about the most exciting of things until the sun was gone and replaced by mosquitoes, then we moved the party inside and drank rum instead.

It was a fine night.

I think you should probably get some background info on Freddie.

There is no child like him.

Yeah, I know, everyone is unique but I tell you, Freddie is a diamond!

I have never ever ever ever come across a child so sweet, generous and kind.

He always has a smile on his face and he is always more than happy to participate in any shenanigan opportunity offered.

Today he confessed that his current favourite songs are "My heart will go on" and "Barbie Girl", both of which he kindly gave us a taste of on the high street.

Antonia and I immediately suggested a music video production, and even though his ego had to be boosted first, he was quite keen on the idea.

here is the result.

Antonia, Freddie and I went in to town

We had some kebab, because we were hungry. Because we always are.

I know you are longing for an other music video production.

Hang in there, your prayers shall be answered.

Antonia and I just watched "Dear John".

It focused on the limited time we have on earth, on the fact that everyone's time always runs out.

True, so true.

Antonia paused the movie to simplify this statement with a great example;

It's like, someone decides to go on a diet for six months and then dies.

What a fucking wasted diet!

Lets go eat something.

just in case...

Elin is back and she is like crack!

Without the side effects.

It was awesome to see my best friend again!

Went over for a little surprise visit and to subtly crash her family welcome home party.

This photo really doesn't summarise the evening at all...

So you will just have to use your imagination.

party with ma cousins, siblings and granddad.

Freddie and I have been hanging by the pool most of the day.

Awesome weather!

I was really enjoying myself in the sun with a good book and the occasional swim, until Freddie got bored.

Then I was constantly bombarded with accusations of being boring.

-I'll show you boring, I said and left.

Johanna- Freddie 1-0

You may be tired of hearing about all of my DIY:ing.

Here comes an other update. You're welcome.

Sofia had an emergency meeting at work, Wille is in Gothenburg and the IKEA kitchen was about to be delivered in 20 minutes. I was sitting in my pj:s, gazing through the window and mentally preparing for a day by the pool when my phone rang and Fia announced the situation. 5 seconds later I was RUSHING around like a ninja on fire, getting dressed and ready to go in to town to meet the delivery guys. Despite my "gone in 60 seconds" achievement, I was of course late.

The delivery guys, 2 Ronaldo prototypes (one with receding hairline, may I add), were waiting grumpily. I showed them the entrance door to the apartment which is located at the very end of a winding narrow street. This required them to reverse the lorry quite far with pretty much no margin. They were not smiling.

I spotted my opportunity to make things right with the Ronaldos.

It took them almost five minutes to reverse.

I would have done it in one. With reserved rights to cut a few trees, benches and old ladies.

me: Oh my God! What precision! That was fantastic, how well you drive!

ronaldo 1: well, we do get a lot of practice

ronaldo 2: yeah, we've done this before

ronaldo x 2 clapping their chests, pissing to mark their territory and looking retardedly satisfied in that masculine way (figuratively, but the atmosphere was unmistakeable).

After this I helped them carry the parts up to the flat.

Holy Faz. I had no idea a kitchen could possibly contain so many parts.

I cursed IKEA.

45 minutes we were done, and I thanked them for their help.

By now their attitude had TOTALLY changed.

ronaldo x 2: No! thank YOU! Most people never help carrying, they crack a beer open and watch.

me: speaking of beer, would you like one? (there was a whole case in the flat and I took the liberty to offer them one each)

You should have seen the joy in their little Ronaldo faces. Pathetic.

Compliment them on their driving skills and give them a beer and taaadaaaaa! - you have the key to masculine satisfaction.

HAHAHAAAAA!

I marched around the apartment, inspecting the goods for a while then I fell asleep on the floor in exhaustion.....

Sofia returned and we went for lunch.

We got back to work

Later in the afternoon, the real carpenters arrived to install the kitchen and we soon realised half of the kitchen cabinets were the wrong size....

Sofia and I had to take an emergency trip up to Stockholm.

We cursed IKEA.

ELIN!

ELIN IS BACK IN TOWN!

okay, not yet. But she soon will be.

Saturday is the day when I will finally get to see my beloved friend again, and Lord Faz knows I have missed her!

Last time I saw her was in Chicago, where we said our goodbyes on a train platform, if I remember correctly. Which I may not, since I had heavily intoxicated myself with various alcoholic beverages.

It doesn't matter. I am looking forward to a couple of more intoxications and a big load of the most satisfying socialisation, which naturally occurs when we get together.

Like that time when we walked around for hours in the American suburbs (Elin with a broken sandal), looking for a police station. Or that time in Karlskrona, where she had me carrying 2 giant blocks of granite around (they were apparently awesome for baking rustic bread. Don't ask). Or the time in Paris, when we were fed oysters on the street (again, don't ask)! Or that time in New York, when she saved our asses and drama:ed our way out of a tricky situation (self inflicted) thanks to a story involving her (hypothetical) marriage to the cheating bastard James.

Lets see if we can shake up some excitement in our old home town!

.

MILF ride

LOL!

I almost forgot, Check out what we spotted in the Trosa canal!

A MILF hunter!

LOL LOL LOL!

What a sexy ride!

I can imagine all the courageous and adventurous Panties-town mamas will find this very appealing. not.

good luck.

Today I took the big sister responsibility and gathered my siblings for a little road trip.

It is quite rare that we are all at home at the same time. Usually there will be a party, a fishing trip, an other party, a play date, or a party on the schedule to prevent us all from getting together, but not today. I spotted the opportunity and forced the crowd into the car for a little quality time :)

We took a trip to Trosa (it means panties, as in underwear. I have no idea why you would name a town like that. I guess it must have been the creation of a frisky Viking). It's the prettiest little coast town. Fuck you Stonehaven. Very much. Excuse my language. I suspect I still have some unresolved issues with that place...

Anyway, on the way there Freddie spotted a bunch of giant ostriches. Freddie has a fondness (and fear may I add) of all things living, and consequently we had to stop and look at them. They really were massive. I imagined them dead. On the bbq. mmmmmmmmm!

We enjoyed ungracious amounts of ice cream, strolled around in the sunshine and eventually stopped for a kebab, as Henrik was hungry again. I told you, it's all about food.

And speaking of which, I shall go prepare some dinner.

So long!